The love languages: the easy, indispensable tool for married life
Communication is one of the keys to a fulfilling married life. And good communication can be learned.
Among the 5 tools to improve the quality of your couple’s communication one is our favorite: “love languages”, a concept developed by American therapist Gary Chapman.
Why? Because it’s easy to understand and set up, and its impact in terms of the connection between lovers is enormous.
Among the 5 tools to improve the quality of your couple’s communication one is our favorite: “love languages”, a concept developed by American therapist Gary Chapman.
Why? Because it’s easy to understand and set up, and its impact in terms of the connection between lovers is enormous.
In a nutshell: we each have our own way of expressing and receiving love, depending on our nature and upbringing… and our spouse has his or her own! That’s why we sometimes feel like we’re speaking two foreign languages as a couple…
To understand each other and fill each other with love, we must learn to speak the same language.
To understand each other and fill each other with love, we must learn to speak the same language.
To help you implement this tool in your married life, we will in this article :
- ➡️ Explain this concept of love languages to you
- ➡️ Introduce you to the 5 main languages
- ➡️ Guide you to discover yours and your lover’s.
- ➡️ Bonus: tell you what this concept has changed in our own lives as a couple.
Happy reading, and remember: reading is good, putting it into practice in your relationship is even better!
Table of contents
Love languages: what's behind this method of communication?
Love languages is a theory developed by American marital therapist/psychologist Gary Chapman, author of the book The 5 Love Languages.
Before we introduce you to these love languages, we need to introduce you to another of Gary Chapman’s concepts: that of the “emotional reservoir”.
Since birth, we’ve all had an “emotional reservoir” just waiting to be filled with love.
When we feel loved, it’s full. On the other hand, in times when we feel neglected, it tends to empty.
Since birth, we’ve all had an “emotional reservoir” just waiting to be filled with love.
When we feel loved, it’s full. On the other hand, in times when we feel neglected, it tends to empty.
This is where love languages come in: to feed the emotional reservoir of others, there are several love languages to know, which differ from person to person.
To love is not a verb of state but a verb of action: it’s all the little everyday actions that demonstrate our love. Their number is important, but so is their nature: these acts of love must be perceived as such by their recipient, and he or she must be sensitive to them.
To love is not a verb of state but a verb of action: it’s all the little everyday actions that demonstrate our love. Their number is important, but so is their nature: these acts of love must be perceived as such by their recipient, and he or she must be sensitive to them.
🤓 Gary Chapman’s observation is as follows: “If we want to communicate effectively with people from other cultures, we have to learn their language. The same goes for love. The language of your sentimental love and that of your spouse can be as different as Chinese is from English.”.
He believes that everyone grows up with their own language and dialect. Everyone has a “primary” love language. In other words, a way of receiving love.
According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 main ones, which we present in the next section.
According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 main ones, which we present in the next section.
The languages of love: what are the 5 main languages?
Words of affirmation
The first language is that of enhancing words: all the pleasant words we can say about others, in their presence or absence.
This can take the form of compliments, thanks for behavior, gratitude…
This can take the form of compliments, thanks for behavior, gratitude…
For example:
- 👉🏼 “I love your sweetness and kindness”
- 👉🏼 “You look hot in that dress”
- 👉🏼 “I’m very lucky to be with someone so proactive”.
Quality time
The second language is that of quality moments: offering your full attention and presence, whatever the activity.
Dedicating your time and attention to someone means: “I’m doing this to be with you, because you’re valuable to me”.
Dedicating your time and attention to someone means: “I’m doing this to be with you, because you’re valuable to me”.
For example:
- 👉🏼 Go for a walk in the neighborhood on Saturday mornings
- 👉🏼 Reserve a table for two in a restaurant
- 👉🏼 Cooking together
⚠️ Please note: spending time together does not necessarily mean spending quality time together.
For this to be a language of love, this time spent together has to be spent really connecting, and not just, for example, scrolling through their phones side by side on a sofa.
For this to be a language of love, this time spent together has to be spent really connecting, and not just, for example, scrolling through their phones side by side on a sofa.
Receiving gifts
At first sight, this language may seem a little superficial… And yet!
The value of gifts, which can even be free, lies in the intention: “he/she thought of me, took the time to observe and question what I really like, and chose this gift accordingly”.
The value of gifts, which can even be free, lies in the intention: “he/she thought of me, took the time to observe and question what I really like, and chose this gift accordingly”.
For example:
- 👉🏼 Coming home with your partner’s favourite dessert
- 👉🏼 Offer her a surprise weekend
Acts of service
Don’t you see what vacuuming has to do with love? We do!
For people whose main love language is service, going shopping for them is worth all the “I love you’ s” in the world. It means “I take care of you”.
For people whose main love language is service, going shopping for them is worth all the “I love you’ s” in the world. It means “I take care of you”.
For example:
- 👉🏼 Shopping
- 👉🏼 Clean the house thoroughly before returning from dance class
- 👉🏼 Picking up a parcel for her at the post office
Physical touch
Last but not least, many people’s primary love language is physical touch.
Far from being reduced to sex, it can take many forms: a hug before leaving each other in the morning, a hand-in-hand stroll…
Far from being reduced to sex, it can take many forms: a hug before leaving each other in the morning, a hand-in-hand stroll…
For example:
- 👉🏼 Systematically kissing her on leaving work
- 👉🏼 Give a long hug, for no particular reason
- 👉🏼 Holding her hand in the street
How and why should you know your primary language and that of your partner?
Understanding what our main language is and what our partner’s is enables us to express our love in a language they understand.
On the contrary, the common mistake is to assume that the other person speaks the same language and has the same needs as you do: that’s a recipe for misunderstanding!
Let’s take an example:
- ❌ Lucie speaks the language of gifts. She bends over backwards to come up with original ideas for each of Mehdi’s birthdays, and organizes surprise weekends for him… On the other hand, she grew up in a family without much physical affection and is not very comfortable with hugs and kisses.
- ❌ Mehdi is really clingy: he loves to be cuddled, to give kisses… and is frustrated not to receive any from Lucie. He doesn’t feel loved, despite all the gifts Lucie has given him.
- ❌ The problem: if Lucie and Mehdi don’t have a frank discussion about their love languages, they can spend years each with a rather empty emotional reservoir.
What a pity when you know that everyone has so much love to give. Just not in the right way for either of them. - ❌ The solution: once they’re aware of this discrepancy, Mehdi can see Lucie’s gifts as tokens of love, and Lucie can work on filling Mehdi’s tank by being a little more cuddly.
For us, this concept is fundamental, and we develop it in session 3 of the Unio premarital counseling coursededicated to communication within the couple.
So how do you know its language?
Simply observe yourself and ask the following question: how do you usually express your love? We often tend to give what we would like to receive.
It’s even simpler: we’ve created a quizz to discover your main love language.
It’s up to you: find out your result, then have your other half do the same. Then have a nice chat to see how each of us can concretely take a step towards the other by expressing ourselves in the appropriate language.
It’s up to you: find out your result, then have your other half do the same. Then have a nice chat to see how each of us can concretely take a step towards the other by expressing ourselves in the appropriate language.
Bonus: our experience of love languages within our couple (Lysiane and Romain, founders of the Unio premarital counseling program)
As you can imagine, we LOVE the love languages. But maybe that sounds a bit abstract to you. So we decided to reveal a little of ourselves to illustrate the point.
🔎 The situation:
- Gifts are one of Lysiane’s main languages: she loves receiving them, but above all she loves making them, looking for ideas, preparing surprises…
- For Romain, it’s not a big deal. It even makes him anxious to have to do it: he doesn’t know what to choose, he’s afraid of missing the point…
💔 The consequences before we’ve discussed the subject in depth:
- Romain gives few gifts, feels pressure to do so, and doesn’t understand why Lysiane is never happy…
- Lysiane is disappointed, feels unloved and has the impression that Romain doesn’t give a damn about her and her desires. She feels she’s coming across as superficial by giving it importance.
❤️ The situation after discussion:
- Romain understood that what was important for Lysiane was to know that he had been involved, that he had thought about it in advance to really please her. It’s still not natural for him, but he’s making a lot of effort.
- Lysiane is more indulgent, appreciating Romain’s efforts as she knows it’s not easy for him.
✨ Example result:
- a great WE of 30 years organized by Romain during the world tour, with night in a bubble and jacuzzi with a view 😍 : https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce5UJnUo3A7/
Conclusion
In conclusion, love languages are invaluable tools for cultivating a fulfilling relationship.
The key lies in an intimate understanding of how each person expresses and receives love. Through rewarding words, quality time, gifts, services rendered, and physical touch, partners can nourish each other’s emotional reservoir in a meaningful way.
The key lies in an intimate understanding of how each person expresses and receives love. Through rewarding words, quality time, gifts, services rendered, and physical touch, partners can nourish each other’s emotional reservoir in a meaningful way.
It’s essential to recognize the diversity of love languages and to understand that each spouse has his or her own sentimental dialect.
Effective communication within a couple requires learning this particular language to avoid misunderstandings.
Effective communication within a couple requires learning this particular language to avoid misunderstandings.
By discovering and understanding their own language, as well as that of their partner, couples can transcend emotional barriers, strengthening their connection. Let’s not forget that reading about the love languages is a first step, but it’s in putting it into practice on a daily basis that the real richness of this approach lies.
PS: If this tool is indispensable in the context of love, it is also very rich for enriching the connection in the context of other relationships too: between friends, parent-child…
In our own experience, the love languages have transformed our relationship, testifying to the power of these small, everyday gestures to build a solid, lasting love.
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➡️ Who we are
We are Lysiane and Romain newlyweds and co-founders of Unio premarital counseling.
A few years ago, we were exactly where you are now. We decided to get married and set about preparing for our big day with great excitement.
It was great, but something was clearly missing. We wanted to to give real meaning to our commitment and prepare ourselves properly.
That’s how Unio was born: the 100% secular & online premarital counseling program.
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➡️ Preparing for marriage with Unio :
For lay the foundations for a solid marriage without spending hours on it, and without going to church.
Our premarital counseling program:
- ✅ 100% secular
- ✅ 100% online
- ✅ 100% fun
