Couple life: learning to express needs rather than reproaches
- 6 min
It’s not uncommon for a couple to experience communication problems. In fact, miscommunication is one of the
10 enemies of the couple to avoid
. Indeed, one of the hardest things to learn in a relationship is to express your needs rather than your reproaches. This concept can be hard to grasp, but it’s really important for a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
We’re constantly communicating with our partner, and it can sometimes be easy to slip into complaining or blaming. This creates tension and can lead to arguments and resentments. To avoid this, we must learn to express our needs in a way that is not frustrating or accusatory.
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Develop rich, fluid communication in your couple’s relationship
with our practical, easy-to-activate tips.
The script to express your needs
Are you trying to work on your communication in your relationship, but finding it hard to speak clearly and compassionately to your partner? Non-violent communication (NVC) can help by providing a structured framework.
NVC was developed in the 1960s by Dr Marshall Rosenberg. It offers a clear, direct formula which, when practiced correctly, reduces points of tension and conflict in your communication, and therefore in your relationship.
Non-violent communication can be broken down into four essential stages (OFNR): Observation (O), Feeling (F), Need (N) and Requests (R). We’ll explain how to think about these points and how to apply them in your relationship, starting today.
Observation
The first phase consists of describing the situation, offering a specific, objective description of the facts. Forget analysis, interpretation and inflammatory or accusatory language. Try to make this description as specific, impersonal and objective as possible. Without judgment and with empathy.
- 👉 You’re always on your phone. I see you’re texting while I’m talking to you.
- 👉 O ur room looks like a garbage dump. There are lots of clothes on the floor of our room.
- 👉 Your expenses are completely out of control. We have a €300 overdraft this month.
- 👉 I go crazy/crazy without sex. We haven’t had sex in two months.
- 👉 I’m always stuck at home and never get to see my friends anymore. I haven’t been out with my friends since the baby came.
Feelings
- Example:
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You never listen to me.I feel like I’m not being heard. I feel transparent. - 👉
You’re getting angry again.I see you’ve got your arms crossed and you’re gritting your teeth. I feel threatened. - 👉
You never do the chores.I get frustrated watching dishes pile up in the sink. I feel helpless.
Needs
In the next phase, you’ll define which of your needs has not been met, and has therefore caused you to feel these emotions? You can use phrases like “Because I need to…” or “Because it’s important to me to...”.
- 👉 I feel transparent. because I need to talk about my day.
- 👉 I feel threatened and need to feel safe.
- 👉 I feel helpless because it’s important to me to live in a clean and tidy house.
Requests
Finally, the last phase is to formulate a clear request about what your partner can do to fulfill your need and make you feel better. This request must be feasible, concrete, precise and formulated as positively as possible.
It’s important that the request concerns a change in behavior. You can’t expect your partner to change his or her values, desires or feelings. People feel personally threatened if you ask them to change intangible elements that are considered part of their very nature and beyond their conscious control.
For example, what does it mean to ask someone to be “more loving”, “less critical” or “more orderly”? These types of requests are understood as attacks, and few real changes are likely to result. The request must be directed towards modifying a specific, observable behavior. So, when formulating your request, tackle only one situation and one or two behavioral changes at a time.
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I want you to listen to me.Could you put your phone away for 10 minutes while I tell you something? - 👉
I want you to be neater.Could you put the dirty dishes away in the dishwasher? - 👉
I want you to be more affectionate.It would mean a lot to me if you kissed me when I got home from work and asked me how my day went. - 👉
I want to make love more often.I know we’re both very busy, but I’d like us to commit to trying to have sex at least once a week, even if it means scheduling it. Is this something you might consider?
Example of a complete script
Here is an example of a speech using the OSBD method of non-violent communication:
“I see you’re texting while I’m talking to you (O). I feel transparent (F), because I need to tell you about my day (N). Could you put your phone away for 10 minutes while I tell you something (R)?”.
Expressing needs rather than reproaches: other tips
Keep your tone as calm and level as possible.
Don’t let anger orannoyance creep into your voice. Using an (even slightly) angry, accusatory or condescending tone can turn things into an unproductive argument.
Choose a time when your partner can give you his full attention.
Don’t start a conversation while your partner is holding your crying baby or watching the final episode of his or her favorite TV show. Choose a time when he or she is relaxed and ready to listen.
Communication needs are not a one-way street.
I hope it’s obvious, but asking someone to meet your needs isn’t a one-sided process. Encourage your partner to make his or her needs known too, and do your best to listen, understand and try to meet those requests when you can.
Your partner is not a telepath.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that your partner should know what you need without you having to say anything. That if he/she really loved you and knew you, or if he/she wasn’t so selfish, he/she would do it naturally.
But no one can read minds, not even the closest of couples. Something may seem obvious to you, but not even cross your partner’s mind. It’s not a lack of love or attention. It’s simply that your partner has a different brain from you! Accept your differences. It’s one of the greatest gestures of love and commitment there is.
Conclusion
In short, following these steps can help you express your needs rather than your complaints. This approach will improve communication within your couple so that discussions are more serene and constructive! Especially since a good communication also involves little things likeactive listening or body language (poker facearms crossed…). Don’t hesitate to take an interest in your partner’s day, or in the difficulties encountered during his or her working day, for example! All these little things will help your partner feel supported and appreciated!
Communication is one of the 9 things you need to think about before saying yes.
It’s a useful tool for tackling any subject, especially the less obvious ones. It’s particularly useful for talking about sexuality and nurturing desire within the couple.
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