Why get married: the top 6 good (and not so good) reasons

Why get married?
This may seem like a stupid question, but the answer is obvious: “because I love her”. OK, but it’s a little light…
Today, there are many “models” for couples: religious sacrament, civil or secular ceremony…
And yet, if you’re here, you’ve probably chosen the institution of marriage. So why this choice?

Following a course of premarital counselingis the best way to get to the heart of the matter.
But in this article, we’ll help you to see things a little more clearly, by helping you to distinguish between the more superficial reasons (which are by no means to be discarded!) and the deeper ones that you can rely on in your future life together.

Love is probably the primary driving force behind the choice you’ve just made in complete freedom, and that’s great! But (spoiler alert 🚨) that’s not enough to commit to marriage, which requires hard work and an immense will, far beyond the feeling of love: as Bismarck points out, “I’m not marrying you because I love you, but to love you.”.

So it’s a good idea to think carefully about the commitment you’re about to make, before you say yes. Getting married is much more than signing a piece of paper or going through the administrative process.
From the time you met until now, you’ve probably already made commitments to each other (being in an exclusive relationship, maybe moving in together…).
So why this new commitment? Why get married now? What does it mean to you? Is this simply a logical sequence, or do you envisage a “before” and an “after “?

Take the time to think about it together before the wedding – it’ll be invaluable!

1 - The wrong reasons to get married

You’ve just made one of the most important, or at least the craziest, decisions of your life: whether to share the rest of your life with your lover, by proposing or accepting.

You’ve started planning and making choices:

What type of wedding ceremony are you planning for your dream day: religious, civil or secular?
Choosing your wedding dress and suit
Deciding where to receive
…

But beyond the organization of your D-day, which we hope will be magical, have you asked yourself the question that all future spouses should ask themselves first? why the decision to marry? The divorce rate in the US would probably be lower if all couples took the time to really ask themselves this question…
In fact, this question is one of the 50 questions to ask yourself before getting married.

While there are almost as many good reasons as there are future brides and grooms (such as the desire to build a family with the person you’ve chosen, making the choice to always support each other…), we can agree on the “bad reasons”.

Yvan Castanou (in Building a happy and lasting marriage), which we don’t recommend reading as it is very religion-oriented and “old school” in our opinion, but from which we can nevertheless retain certain points) details seven of them:

❌ Prove to ourselves that we’re not a failure, or wash away an affront experienced in a past relationship.
❌ Don’t stay alone.
❌ Escaping difficult living conditions for one of the spouses.
❌ Receiving love and feeling appreciated (although that’s a big bonus of marriage, we’ll grant you).
❌ Being able to be happy and fulfilled (same as above; this is a big plus of marriage but you don’t have to wait for it to be happy). It’s better to learn to be happy with yourself first.
❌ For looks and gender only.
❌ For fear of remaining single for a long time and not having children.

Let’s add a few of our own:

❌ by social convention,
❌ to have just one big party,
❌ to please the other (under pressure, that is),
❌ to breathe new life into a failing relationship
❌ to control the other (by “putting the rope around his neck”)

If you don’t recognize yourself in any of these reasons, that’s a good start in your married life!

2 - Why get married: good reasons to say yes

On the other hand, there are thousands of “good” reasons to get married! You’re probably thinking of the classics:

✅ celebrate his love,
✅ formalize the relationship with a beautiful wedding,
✅ pledge fidelity
✅ share his happiness with his loved ones,
✅ respect a certain tradition,
✅ bear the same name…

They are certainly relevant, but here we propose to explore other less obvious and probably slightly deeper reasons.

What they all have in common, and what we are convinced of, is that marriage is not just about loving, but about choosing to love.

Feelings alone don’t make for a happy marriage (or only for a while, which a priori isn’t your goal if divorce isn’t in your plans). Love is often reduced to an emotion or a feeling, but if it’s defined like that it won’t be enough to build a solid story.

➡️ Choosing to take this path together and get married can be done for different reasons:

To say yes to build together

To formalize the creation of a new entity, a new home between the engaged couple.

It is essential at this stage to think about the ingredients you want to put into this new entity:

Values
Rituals
Life projects
…

This is one of the 5 reasons to prepare for marriage: give meaning to your commitment and be clear about your mutual expectations.

Building is to form a team and to share a daily life, but also aspirations, objectives… and marriage is a superb way of symbolizing this.

Marrying to commit to accepting your spouse as he or she is

And not as we’d like them to be.

Never to consider that we’ ve “done it all”, but on the contrary, to always try to learn more, to discover new facets.
It also means supporting him or her through the changes (your partner won’t be the same in 5, 10, 15… years), and being genuinely curious about the journey he or she is on.

Why get married? To commit to working on your love, taking care of it every day

To make it grow and not let it fade.

This is summed up by Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage: “Our society believes that feelings of love are the driving force behind loving actions. This may of course be true. But it is even truer to say that loving actions lead inexorably to loving feelings.”

The key word is ” connection”: the octogenarian couples who make us dream are those who have managed to nurture this connection. Make a promise to yourself to always make your relationship a priority.

Saying yes to a commitment not to give up at the first sign of trouble

Even if it seems hard to imagine for a young couple still on their cloud nine, you’re bound to meet some, and your strength will be in reminding yourself of your commitment, and why.

It also means that you commit to investing yourself without systematically waiting for your partner to do it (there’s bound to come a time when the other person won’t be 100% on board), and to always taking your share of responsibility.

According to Jacob Azeroual in Couple: keys to success, “all couples go through difficult times. More than the seriousness of the problem, it’s the motivation of the partners to want to rebuild, which makes a couple problem difficult to solve or not“.

At last, committed spouses don’t spend their time telling each other that the grass is greener elsewhere, threatening to leave, but take charge of their own lawn!

Commitment to making the couple a place of security and growth for both members

By pledging to create and maintain a caring, unconditionally supportive environment, where everyone can develop individually, pursue their dreams, and feel much stronger than if they were on their own.

This means creating an atmosphere of trust: everyone can be themselves and express their feelings in complete confidence.

3 - A little exercise to help you answer the question "Why get married?

Before you leave, here’s a little exercise to help you both think about the meaning you want to give to your relationship and marriage.

➡️ Which of the following ten definitions of love speaks most to you, and which speaks least to you?

“Spontaneous affective movement to meet a need,” Michelle Larivey, Quebec psychologist.
“Francesco Alberoni, Italian sociologist: “Surpassing yourself and looking to the future
“A biological drive made up of sexual desire, romantic love and attachment”, Helen Fisher, Canadian anthropologist
“Passion is an impulse, love a decision”, Scott Peck, American psychiatrist
“The ability to overcome the fear of loving”, Gérald Leleu, French sexologist
“Le cri d’une incomplétude qui recherche une incomplétude”, Jules Bureau, Quebec psychologist
“Being happy rather than trying to be right”, John Gottman, American psychologist
“Accepting that you need the other person”, Rose-Marie Charest, Quebec psychologist
“Human solution to separation anxiety”, Erich Fromm, German psychoanalyst
“Intense and pleasant feeling that incites beings to unite”, Wiktionnaire

➡️ Ask your partner to do the same, and then exchange ideas: it’ll be a very fruitful discussion!

4 - Conclusion

Here we’ve given you a few hints on why you should get married. These are just a few suggestions: it’s an extremely personal subject, and one that needs to be discussed as a couple.
The Unio premarital counseling course is a good source of food for thought. Preparing your marriage is much more than choosing wedding rings or deciding what will be served at the vin d’honneur.

Among the good reasons mentioned in this article, you may be thinking that they are not inherent to marriage: certainly, these commitments can be made outside of marriage.
On the other hand, marriage, with its ritual and symbolic aspect, allows us to put these commitments into words at a given moment. And to have a precise point, memories, to hold on to in the fluctuating moments of the relationship in the future.

Why did you decide to get married?

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Categories :

❤️ Couple life
💍 Premarital counseling

➡️ Who we are

We are Lysiane and Romain newlyweds and co-founders of Unio premarital counseling.

A few years ago, we were exactly where you are now. We decided to get married and set about preparing for our big day with great excitement.

It was great, but something was clearly missing. We wanted to give real meaning to our commitment and prepare ourselves properly.

That’s how Unio was born: the 100% secular & online premarital counseling program. Read more >>

➡️ Preparing for marriage with Unio :

To lay the foundations for a solid marriage without spending hours on it, and without going to church.

Our premarital counseling program:

✅ 100% secular
✅ 100% online
✅ 100% fun

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