Premarital counseling: discover the 9 essential topics to discuss

➡️ All the essential pre-marriage prep topics to get you off to a good start.

When considering taking the plunge and committing to marriage, it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of preparations, invitations and decorations. And it’s easy to miss out on the subjects that are essential to any premarriage prep: the key issues to address as a couple so that the party doesn’t last a day, but also the thousands that will follow.
Indeed, after the famous proposal, the first thing we often do is look for our wedding dress, choose our reception hall and suppliers, prepare our wedding ceremony…👰
However, apart from the festive aspect of the event, it’s essential to focus on the fundamental aspects that will lay the foundations of your union for years to come. To build a strong and fulfilling marriage relationship, it’s essential to ask and explore key questions before committing to marriage.

💡 If at first you’re wondering if premarital counseling programs are for you, we recommend our complete guide on premarital counseling in 10 questions.

In this comprehensive article, we take an in-depth look at nine crucial themes for future spouses. The discussions you have around these topics will serve as the foundation for a lasting and meaningful relationship.

Table of contents

1 - Your family heritage and experience

A couple is two grown-up people who know themselves and what they’ve been built on.
One of the foundations of any relationship is therefore the family heritage and values passed on by the parents of each of the engaged couple.
So, before you commit to marriage, it’s important to take aclose look at which elements of your family heritage you’d like to keep, and which you’d prefer to leave behind.
This introspection fosters better mutual understanding and helps lay the foundations for a solid union.
As future brides and grooms, identify the values passed on by your respective families and reflect on those you’d like to integrate into your married life.
Similarly, discuss openly the patterns and behaviors you’d like to avoid, to create a unique voice as a couple.

Sound abstract? Here are a few concrete examples:

Here are some examples of things you might want to keep and reproduce in your life together:

➡️ “My parents used to spend one evening a week without us, as lovers, and this seemed to make them very happy.”

➡️ “I grew up in a very open home: there were always friends, family… passing through and I really enjoyed growing up in that environment.”

Here are some examples of things you might want to set aside and not keep in your future life together:

➡️ “My parents only resolved conflicts by shouting, then pretended nothing had happened. I wish we could work differently.”

➡️ “We rarely, if ever, had meals together as a family. I missed it.”

➡️ “In my family, racism and intolerance are widespread. I don’t want that in our home”.

2 - Your history since you met; your couple's strengths and weaknesses

Once you’ve taken stock of your individual journeys, it’s time to take stock of the road you’ve travelled as a couple: remember why you chose each other, how your story came about, and analyze the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship with honesty.
This shared history, which some call the “founding myth” of the couple, is very important. Numerous studies have shown that the happiness and longevity of couples are closely correlated with the way (positive or negative) they talk about each other.

Don't forget your strengths:

    And if your choice to build together seems obvious, it’s still important to take the time to remember:
  • 👉🏼 Why you chose each other: at the very beginning of your story, but also what confirmed your choice over time.
  • 👉🏼 What milestones you’ve already reached together (both positive and negative), and above all how you overcame them.

Build on your weaknesses:

    Finally, discuss your strengths and weaknesses. as a couple will enable you to :
  • 👉🏼 In times of difficulty, you can look back on your strengths and build on them.
  • 👉🏼 Be vigilant about areas for improvement, and think of ways to work on them.

Taking care of your relationship also means being clear-headed and knowing how to roll up your sleeves.

3 - The compatibility of your personalities

While personality differences may initially add attraction and enrichment to your relationship, they can also be the source of potential long-term conflict.
To prevent these differences from becoming problematic in your married life, take the time to explore in depth how your personalities complement each other or can potentially conflict.

The first question is:
What traits in our two personalities set us apart the most?

Learn to accept and value these differences, while working together to find practical solutions for harmonious coexistence.

Also, to end on a positive note, identify the areas where this complementarity has already strengthened your relationship and how it could continue to be a strength in the future.

    Here are some examples of personality pairs to work on:
  • Optimistic / pessimistic
  • Neat / messy
  • Talkative / taciturn
  • Liabilities / Assets
  • Rational / instinctive
  • Organized / intuitive

4 - The foundations of your marriage

A successful marriage is based on a shared intention.

Before you take your vows and say yes on the big day, take the time to define the values, rituals and expectations you want to integrate into your married life.
Marriage is a commitment that goes far beyond a party. Why do you want to get married? What are your motivations, from the most superficial to the deepest? To help you answer these questions, we’ve put together an article on the subject that you can find here: https://www.app.unio-preparation.com/en/blog/why-get-married/.
This step will provide you with a compass for your relationship.
It will enable you to draw strength from the commitment you made on your wedding day throughout your journey together.

Specifically, before the wedding:

  • 👉🏼 Identify the values that are particularly important to each of you (loyalty, adventure, security…),
  • 👉🏼 Discuss your mutual needs and expectations (such as tenderness, trust…),
  • 👉🏼 Consider the rituals you’d like to perpetuate or create: a weekly breakfast in bed? a trip for two a year? share a spiritual practice…
  • 👉🏼 Determine the specific ingredients that will contribute to your marital happiness. What is your vision of a successful wedding?
  • 👉🏼 Define the limits necessary to maintain a healthy relationship: what is and isn’t acceptable to you?

5 - Communication, an essential part of your premarital counseling course

Communication is a fundamental pillar of a fulfilling relationship.

    Take advantage of the pre-marriage prep period to assess your current communication habits.
  • Make sure you know how to actively listen to your partner and that you also feel listened to in return.
  • Are you comfortable discussing all subjects with your partner? If this isn’t already the case, try to understand the underlying reasons and explore ways of improving your communication.
✏️ Techniques such as non-violent communication and active listening can go a long way towards strengthening your dialogue and creating a space for open, respectful communication.
Discovering them during your engagement is a treasure for your couple!

6 - Conflict management

Disagreements are an integral part of any relationship, but it’s essential to deal with them constructively.

Take time to evaluate how you handle conflict in your relationship:

Identify negative patterns:

👉🏼 Identify negative patterns that could be repeated and understand how your emotional reactions influence your interactions. A healthy argument is a non-violent one, where everyone is allowed to express themselves.

Reconnect after a disagreement:

👉🏼 Learn how to reconnect after a disagreement and explore ways to strengthen your bond after an argument. This includes forgiveness.

It’s important to remember that conflict management is an ongoing skill that requires patience and commitment. “Knowing how to argue is not innate; it has to be learned.
The Unio premarital counseling coursegives you the keys to a healthier, more constructive way of dealing with disputes.
This apprenticeship is a great gift you can give your couple before celebrating your marriage.

7 - Your sexual intimacy

Open and honest communication about sexuality is essential for a fulfilling relationship, for a happy marriage.
    Before celebrating your union, take the time to discuss :
  • ➡️ the place of sexuality in your married life
  • ➡️ your level of satisfaction
  • ➡️ what stimulates or hinders your sexual desire

Another interesting dimension of your marriage preparation is to examine the messages you received about sexuality during your childhood and early adulthood. Their impact is often very great on your current intimate life.

Finally, it’s an opportunity to talk frankly about the notion of fidelity and to discuss what is acceptable for both of you. Establish a clear agreement about the limits of your intimacy to maintain a solid, respectful relationship.

8 - Your vision of the family

Many couples see marriage as the starting point for creating a new family.

What does "starting a family" mean to you?

    The prospect of “starting a family” can mean different things to different people:
  • have children biologically,
  • adopt them,
  • stay two,
  • cherish pets,
  • …

Your expectations and preferences

    If you’re considering parenthood, discuss your plans openly. expectations and preferences. As you prepare for your marriage, discuss topics such as :
  • the number of children you wish to have,
  • your educational values,
  • the role you’d like to play as a parent,
  • the place of your extended family in the lives of your future children,
  • the place of your couple in your future family,
  • …
Clear, honest communication about these topics will help avoid future frustrations and establish a solid foundation for your family life.

9 - Your life together

Marriage is not just about celebration and festivity, but also about creating a shared future.

Take the time to examine your vision of your future life in depth, on two levels:

Daily life as a married couple.

Discuss money management and your joint budget, household management, time-sharing and your respective career aspirations.

Look for a balance that works for both of you, and be sure to re-evaluate these arrangements periodically to take into account changes in your situation and aspirations.

Your personal and shared dreams

Sharing a daily routine, but not only!

The couple provides a solid foundation for realizing individual and shared aspirations.
Examining desires and projects together encourages momentum towards their realization, by considering practical solutions together.
For example, retraining requires financial and time discussions, in order to lighten the household load.

It’s important to talk about these issues before you get married.

Conclusion

The period leading up to marriage offers a valuable opportunity to explore these nine essential topics in depth.
Whether you’ve chosen a civil, secular or religious wedding, and whether you’re a heterosexual or same-sex couple, there’s a lot more to preparing your wedding than just organizing the day (cocktails, wedding announcement, choice of caterer, officiant, wedding rings…).
The organization of D-Day should not overshadow the fundamental issues.

By addressing these topics with genuine sincerity and commitment, you’ll lay a solid foundation for your relationship as a married couple.

Keep in mind that marriage is an ongoing, evolving journey. Keep investing time and energy in your relationship, communicating openly and growing together to face the challenges and joys life has in store for you.

As you’ve seen, the topics to be discussed before getting married are vast, and we can quickly feel lost.
To guide you step by step through these discussions and reflections, you can choose to follow the Unio premarital counseling program, which offers structured sessions to explore these and other questions. The first session is only $39.
Ultimately, by preparing conscientiously and addressing these topics in your marriage preparation, you’ll lay a solid foundation for a fulfilling and meaningful married life.

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➡️ Who we are
We are Lysiane and Romain newlyweds and co-founders of Unio premarital counseling.
A few years ago, we were exactly where you are now. We decided to get married and set about preparing for our big day with great excitement.
It was great, but something was clearly missing. We wanted to give real meaning to our commitment and prepare ourselves properly.
That’s how Unio was born: the 100% secular & online premarital counseling program. Read more >>
➡️ Preparing for marriage with Unio :
To lay the foundations for a solid marriage without spending hours on it, and without going to church.
Our premarital counseling program:
  • ✅ 100% secular
  • ✅ 100% online
  • ✅ 100% fun
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Offrez Unio pour la saint Valentin 💘
👉 199€ au lieu de 273€ jusqu'au 29/02/24
En savoir plus

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